Text by Elena Volynskaya, member of the Odysseia Club and participant in expeditions from 2009-2011
Ayahuasca — my first experience, entirely on my own — I hadn’t read or listened to anything before taking my first sip. Everything I learned about others’ experiences came afterward.
What’s most important is that my entire life changed completely over two years. I began a long and difficult journey toward myself, tearing myself piece by piece from the clutches of the big city and petty politics, from unloving people, empty conversations, alcoholism, and a slow but certain death. Now, I can confidently say — in such a body, the soul doesn’t live; it merely waits for release.
The first introduction — my friend, boss, and a seeker constantly in pursuit, Natalia K. She said she found this club «Odysseia» while browsing articles on the Internet, wanted to go, but felt uneasy going alone — it’s a long journey, the people are unfamiliar… In short, my spontaneity took over, and there I was in Peru.
In April and May 2009, I took part in my first shamanic expedition to Tarapoto and Pucallpa, where we met shamans Benhamin, Juan Flores, and of course, the beloved Jorge Gonzalez.
The First Ayahuasca Ceremony: Confusion and Astonishment
Ayahuasca had an immediate effect on me — possibly due to my personal sensitivity and some predisposition. The world around me changed; everything began to move, come alive, and shimmer with strange, rounded shapes. Intricate patterns in delightful shades (lime, pink, turquoise) filled the space — I felt nauseous, and my head spun — because I was continuously watching everything around me, focusing on the other ceremony participants, which only made things worse. My lack of experience with power plants completely ruined the effect. There was no meditation; I can only hope that ayahuasca’s cleansing forces actively purged the dirt from my body. I couldn’t wait for the ceremony to end, firmly decided that this wasn’t for me at all, rushed back to my cabin, and suffered until the effects wore off.
How important the company is — this I realized after many ceremonies. The people in the group don’t gather by accident; every person is essential. Sometimes, someone who is difficult to communicate with, reserved, and seemingly avoids socializing, ends up being more beneficial than overly friendly types. All morning the next day, I thought I wouldn’t go to another ceremony. However, by evening, everything had changed — hearing others’ experiences, comments, memories, and stories from Sveta (she led that women’s expedition — Kostya was with a group in Mexico) often humorous and full of mishaps, I decided it was worth trying again. Just to make sure it wasn’t for me.
And everything changed. Someone living inside me who had been waiting for connection burst free — sometimes it felt like my brain never rested — working, processing tons of information, with some things just flying by while certain images stuck in my memory. A massive building in my mind, consisting of endless corridors of rooms, doors, doors, doors, and in some nervous excitement, I was running, yanking one door, another, as if searching for something crucial to me. I saw faces — people from work, slammed the door — not it, not it, kept running. Searching.
I was scurrying around, too much fuss — I got tired and opened my eyes. Jorge radiated universal love — playing a harmonica or something else (reminded me of Paris), everyone was calm, I looked at the people — Tanyushka A. tried to stand, making peculiar movements, I felt her joy from some intricate yoga. In deep astonishment, Lena from Crimea, who seemed to be a psychology training instructor, had delved deep within herself.
The drum began to beat rapidly, and I fell and immediately flew downward, seeing far ahead, like a light at the end of the tunnel, Svetochka dancing in a long sundress, performing a dance of a swift white flame — «what a beautiful sundress,» I thought.
And I saw my mother — this seemed to be the door I had been searching for — the building of a thousand doors collapsed. I saw my mother from the outside, and then, a moment later, I saw the world through her eyes. I saw how sad it was for her to notice her age, how sad she felt that she could no longer have a child (we have five in our family), how much she longed to feel young, beautiful, and desired again. How her soul wandered from one person to another but could not rid itself of sorrow. I sobbed uncontrollably. Ayahuasca didn’t make me purge, so it felt like my brain was trying to pour everything out through my eyes. I thought that not everyone needs to cleanse their stomach; some need to cleanse their mind. It seems that’s me.
How foolish I was, with childish jealousy, pointless resentments, and a longing for some love out of movies, for nurturing. She just had her own life, it didn’t begin with my birth and didn’t end with it; it goes on. I forgave my mother and asked for her forgiveness — my soul calmed down, and I felt like relaxing and taking stock of everything — what am I doing, and why?
It’s sad. All these years, I tried so hard, not for myself, not for the happiness of my loved ones, not for my family’s future, but just to draw her attention again. What did I spend a third of my life on? All these years, she was already proud of my intellect and independence, if only I’d known, if only I’d always known and not wasted energy on empty resentments…
Coincidence or not (I think not), Jorge told us about his mother. He is incredibly emotional, and his stories could inspire a Brazilian soap opera with adventures, love, and passionate impulses. Every time I recall the story of his mother’s passing, I can’t hold back tears. It seems that was when I began to view my own life differently.
